Catholic Proscriptions for PB&Js

Rules for the creation of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hereforth referred to as a PB&J, with its constituent parts referred to as PB and J, respectively.

By Cardinal Somalo III,

  • Do not spill the J, for thou art wasting precious sandwich-seed. If you manage to spill the PB, you’re doing something terribly wrong.
  • Always share your PB&J when others are around. Be like Jesus: split the bread and fish. (Note: Do not attempt to serve fish with a PB&J.)
  • Toasting your bread is allowed, even on the Sabbath day. What do you think you are, Jewish?
  • Alternate PB&J ingredients, referred to by some as “fixin’s” are only acceptable under dire circumstances, such as the lack of PB or J. Never combine PB and bananas, though – this is unholy (i.e. Elvis liked them.)
  • Do not use communion wafers in place of bread. Spreading sweet J all over Jesus’ body before eating him is a little too weird for us to condone.
  • Feel free to use PB with trans fat; it’ll just quicken your trip to the Lord’s presence. To be in the clear, be sure to attend confessional each time you do.
  • As much as we love PB&Js, please do not use them in place of money on the donation plate.
  • Know that all worldly pleasures are naught but for the Lord. Attend Mass regularly, or surely Satan will live in every bite of your decadent sandwich.
  • Do not attempt to baptize a PB&J. That’s not a joke.
  • Do not cut a PB&J any other way than into halves or diagonal quarters. Doing so may be evidence of demonic influence. Call a priest immediately for an exorcism if you or a family member does this.
  • The pope prefers white bread. He’s infallible, so we’ll just go with that.
  • Do not pack your PB&J in a plastic sandwich bag. We have to stay consistent with our wrapping-plastic-around-things policy.
  • For the last time, no Catholic diocese has ever recommended using a baseball bat in the PB&J creation process.
  • Double decker PB&Js are surely a sign of Gula: gluttony, of the seven deadly sins. Avoid at all costs.
  • Thou shalt not use the same knife or spoon for both the PB and the J. This act is impure.
  • Never use Peter Pan PB. We shouldn’t have to explain.

Addendum: If your little ones are confused over why we make our PB&Js in the way our Lord ordained, we offer guidance in our Sunday evening sandwich workshop sessions.

Flickr image CC BY-NC-SA 2.0 by mharrsch

Have your say